This is not something I ever talk about on my blog but I feel like I want to give my blog some more meaning. I will talk about beauty a lot on my blog but I do want to write a little bit about what happened recently that just broke my heart into pieces...
It was a typical Thursday evening, looking through twitter and stumbling across my cousin's twitter account. I was basically stalking her and I came across her tweets when her grandmother(also my grandaunt i suppose?) passed away and how she neglected her grandmother and did not visit as often and now she has lost her for good. And I said to myself, well I need to go and visit my grandparents because I miss them and I haven't seen them for a while now. I went inside my parents room to tell them that I want to go visit them and my mom said she will be staying over in Johor Baharu (JB) over the weekend because there was going to be a wedding in Batu Pahat. Never did we know she was going to be staying over for a different reason.
My mom goes to check her phone and saw she had over 10 missed phone calls from her sisters who lives in JB with my grandparents. She called back almost immediately, worried something might have happened to them. True enough, she gets a message saying my grandfather's breathing has slowed down ever since he came back from dialysis. Now that was not normal. So the message was spread around in my family whatsapp group and they all made a plan to go JB that night itself. I didn't want to go at first because I have exams on Friday evening and my parents said it might be nothing. So that was 5.30pm. An hour later my Aunt called again saying his heart beat has slowed down. I started to panic and wanted to cry. I was torn between my exams and my grandfather. I know what you must be thinking. Of course go to your grandfather! But inside my head I kept on thinking nothing might go wrong, I should just focus on my exam.
At about 7.30pm my brother picked me up to send me to his house to take care of his kids while they went to JB to visit my grandfather. At this point of time I was still in denial about a lot of things. I did whatsapp my group of friends about it and they were all trying to console me. After my brother sends me to his house, I got a message from my dad in our family group chat that my grandfather is already at the verge of death. Tears were already streaming my face before I could even think about it. My grandfather is already about to leave us? And I am not there to see him for one last time to say goodbye, that I am sorry if I have done anything to hurt him or that I love him? I panicked and called my sister up. I said I want to go I dont care I want to see him before he leaves. And my sister says don't you have to take care of Elwi(my brother) kids. And I said I will just tell him that I want to follow you. And she goes on to say that there was not enough space in the car and I said i will squeeze. So then I called my brother up and said I want to go up and see Habib and my brother starts saying no there is no point, you can't do anything just focus on your exams and I said I just want to see him before he leaves and he says no. So i just hung up the phone and cried even more.
A few minutes later he called back saying if you want to go, tell me and I will ask Hamid( my oldest nephew) to lock up the house first. And I felt bad because I already promised to take care of his kids and then I am just going to abandon them. So then I called back up my sister feeling so confused because now I dont know if I want to go see my grandfather or study for my exams(which obviously i was not able to study anymore) or keep to my promise and take care of my nephew and nieces. I cried on the phone because I was just so confused and had so many emotions at one time.
I decided to stay and take care of the kids. It was 10pm and I was getting cranky and I tried to put them to sleep. By 12+ all of them were already asleep. I tried to sleep as well but I just felt uneasy. I woke up twice before I woke up again by my brother's call. I checked my phone and my heart dropped. I received a message from my mother that my grandfather just passed away at 2am+...
I dont know how or why but I was calmed about it on the way back home from my brother's house. But once I reached home, I burst into tears and I was wailing so loudly. I can't believe he really is gone. I didn't even get to see him before he left me. I switched on the TV muted it and just sat on my sofa staring blankly into space. I just thought about everything that reminds me of him and I just continued crying. It was about 3.30am when my dad got back home. He was quiet and asked me if I heard what had happened. I just nod and he walked away to leave me alone. I just continued crying softly to myself. And then my father said "Go to sleep Khadijah, we are going to have a long day tomorrow" and I just kept quiet. He goes into his room and closes the door. 15 minutes later he opens the door and says the same thing again and once again I just kept quiet. 15 minutes prior to that he gets out of bed walks to the sofa and says " Please Khadijah go to bed" I felt bad now and so I said I will later.
It was 5am and I tried to toss and turn but sleep seems to not be on my side. All I could think about was Habib and how I wasn't there to see him leave. Every time I think about it again. I cried even more. He was really gone. I have to be awake by 7am and it was currently 6am...I think after tossing and turning I finally slept. It was weird, you would think that because I was so sad I was going to cry in my dreams but I had a funny dream about me and my sisters. I remembered laughing so hard about it but if you ask me now what was so funny I don't remember at all. It was 7am and I woke up to get ready for the funeral.
Let's skip to the part of the funeral, when I saw his body there, a little part of me died. He is really not alive. I asked my sister to open it and let me see his face, and there he was. He was ice cold to the touch. I kissed his cold forehead for one last time. And then it really just sinked in. He is really gone.
To be completely honest, no it has not sinked in that he is gone. Yes when I think about it I will cry and cry but when I am not thinking about it, I will be okay. I guess that will be something that I will never be able to let it sink in. I love him so damn much and I will forever remember him as the man who played violin and gambus so damn well. That was what people who didn't really knew him knew about him, that he has a talent in playing violin and gambus. But as family, I will always remember him as the man who lovess everything with kicap. He was my and will always be my kicap man.
I love you Habib and if I had the choice to re-do the whole entire thing and when to go and visit you, I would. I love you.
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